Looking back on my previous entries, I think that there is a common theme that I keep on struggling with. I mean, the act of struggling is something that humans are up to experience. But when these themes are hindering you, wouldn’t you want to fix them, at least? Over these themes, I believe that one would be consistency and the other is pain.
Over the past few months, particularly since the start of the year, thoughts and a series of realizations came spilling into my mind. And I feel like, I’m barely grasping the ideas, especially the ones that I really need to give importance to. Most times I feel like I have to figure out something, but cannot point it out because that thought is fleeting, and I wasn’t aware of the entirety of that thought. or maybe I am but chose not to, and now tell myself that, it is the act of defense mechanism.
Life goes by, but I am haunted by things, that led me to what I wanted to talk about in this entry. I think that being inconsistent is a big deal to me. I find it hard to create and take a big part in something because I keep on running, running, and running.
From the things that I should Face and fix. And in fixing that, I need to go back to memory lane and ask, what cause me to be like that? what particular reason led me to do stuff? And most times, asking these questions is essential — to be self-aware.
Going back to memory lane, I think that being in isolation causes you a lot. the very times that the world is on pause and everyone seemingly felt everything, including emotions all over the place.
Being an introvert, this setup is not a hard thing. But little did I know, one morning I woke up and everything felt strange, even my own body. It continues, and it breaks me, little by little and quite into pieces. I break, I cut ties, and I become so dependent on myself. Slowly, I’m losing everything. the people, the connection, and myself. Writing this down, I wonder, how did this happen to me? my mind is messed up, I must say. but I think, to be able to turn pages in my life, I need to sort these things out, even if it means I need to offer vulnerability.
Running away causes people a lot. It never is an answer, really. It affected me a lot and just this year, I’m learning to regain myself. The things I missed out and the things I can restore after all these.
One thing that I also say, I’m struggling with is the pain — it does. I think that the process of creating is painful. Art is painful at such times, I think. Maybe not every time, but at such times, it aches. but it is those times when we realize how beautiful art is, and how it becomes.
It feels good, to talk about such themes and be able to resonate with people. coming to the conclusion that humans need each other. We as humans are able to go on in life because of our shared experiences, struggles, pains, and hopes.
Ending this, I really don’t know if I’m making sense. Have I fulfilled the purpose that I intend to set, at the very beginning of this entry? Who knows? It makes me feel at ease to get back and write and that alone is enough for me.
Anyways, If you're still reading here, thank you like really. I hope life is always good for you. It warms my soul to have this space. to go back here anytime. I miss writing. Months have passed and really I miss the feeling of going here. And as I put out this thought that weighs heavy, I hope to write here more.
Turning a new page, I hope to be more sincere. And find a way of writing that suits my mind. The ones that resonate with my soul. And really, to write such themes that I love to talk about.
Here are the things that create this good feeling in my heart :
The album that inspires me to visit my memory lane and talk about this theme.
Have watched K-dramas such as Mr. Queen, The Glory, and now Doctor Cha
Watching Bangtan Contents because I miss them.
Have been reading books such as Daisy Jones, Beautiful World Where are you and currently reading Tuesdays with Morrie!
Yoongi released an Album, oh no it’s Agust D.
Have our face-to-face class already so it makes me busy.
Anyways, thank you for existing. for being here, beautiful people.
I’ll get back to you soon!
with love, avie < 3.