a month has passed since my birthday. and here I am, looking at this monitor, thinking the thoughts I should have said a very weeks ago.
by Leah Gardner
Birthdays are like a normal day to me, it’s just that, it feels quite cool to have people remembering the day you were born. the very day when people just act so nice to you and even greet you with their dearly and long live posts and letters.
to be honest, remembering the very day you were born is like reminding yourself you are getting old, maybe not too old, but the word ‘‘old’’ is enough to make you feel a lot of things. and though the feeling is over the place, one thing is for sure, there is fear.
to bid a farewell to yourself is an ache and bliss at the same time. every year in this dearest life of ours, we say goodbye carrying all the lessons we had along that very year. its a bliss knowing we continue and we have more years to spend in this sphere. But at the same time an ache, thinking about those past years, as a record of how we spend our days. and actually knowing we haven’t done anything so grand.
it terrifies me to be in a pace of change that I could never turn back when I did something wrong. I mean this is life. and to me, this life is so precious, that it’s terrifying to mess up. it is so sick to be in a season of change, like a few more steps and the word ‘‘adulthood’’ will slap you in the face.
such a terrifying feeling to know you know nothing. I remember this line ‘‘ I’m only seventeen, I don't know anything ‘‘ from a Taylor Swift song entitled Betty. I may not be in love just like James in the song Betty, but I can say I feel the same, to not know anything, and in my case at eighteen.
at this moment, it hit me, I am now nineteen. it’s been quite of a moment to be at that age. a real moment of taking everything in. feeling everything all over the place, to be sucked in, to fully admit you know nothing much at eighteen. And it is just a fleeting moment that you wish isn’t but you couldn’t.
so to have a space like this is such a dearly thing to me. at least I can have a space dedicated to my youth. an archive of me, and what is in my head at that moment.
So, here are the 18 things I can say I know at 18:
Appreciating things in your life is always important. that it is not about grand things that humanity thinks of, but how you value the word ‘‘grand’’. and for me, those grand things are the ones we often take for granted.
It’s okay to be alone. especially at times when things are all over the place. cause it is only we can sort things out when the place we are in is quiet enough that we hear our inner selves. that we connect to ourselves and find the answers within.
I am at the age where I realize that books are a must. I literally love reading even at a very young age but it is different knowing the wonders that the books can do to us, to me. the gentleness and comfort are beyond everything.
18 is the age of something. so discover things about yourself. even the simplest of things that you never know. your favorites, likes, hates, your MBTI — just things.
Everything is a process, that one is a cliche line but it takes time for me to understand that. things need time and process, even forgiving people or yourself takes time. and even growth is a process.
Breathe — as everything is a process, I realized that it is important to take a step back and breathe, or just breathe. To pause and never be drowned in the things that can cause you to submerge deep down into the water.
Do journalling. I know this sound so cliche but I realize that putting down things flat in a paper is a kind of therapy, well at least for me.
I am at that point where i appreciate life and grand things for me, such as nature and art. This is something that i know. and i wish, even if I reach my 20’s or 30’s I am still able to see life in a ray of colors. appreciate things as for what they are.
Talk to yourself, it doesn’t make you insane. Talking to yourself is a very healthy sign of connecting to your inner soul. As for me, it is my way of taking everything in. it is my way of knowing how i am that day.
I said on the sixth that it is okay to breathe — here i say it is okay; to not run. BTS has a song entitled ‘‘Paradise’’ that goes ‘‘It's alright to stop
There's no need to run without even knowing the reason’’ ‘‘Now we don't run without even knowing the destination’’ and i think that alone is a comfort. that truly, if we think about it, its okay to not run without actually knowing the reason.Value time and memories, because those are ones that we cannot turn back no matter how we wanted it. make time and spend it wisely. but i am not here as a clean and holy like person. I think everything depends on us, how we wanted to spend our time. cause for me, there are moments that laying down in bed is just everything.
The very young me would hold that emotions is everything and that it should be the basis for everything. But now i realized that feelings and emotions are not consistent. You can be happy now and later you’ll feel like crying or mad. So i think it is important to allow yourself to feel emotions but it is also important to take a step or make decisions when your not feeling emotions all over the place. balance the mind and heart.
Never be afraid of trying, I may not know everything in life but one thing I’m sure of — at least try. This is something I am still working on in this life of mine. A little back story ; creating this space takes me a lot of courage. A series of telling to myself to try, making myself believe that I need this, and actually a space like this is what my soul long for. I believe writing is my safe space and putting it out in a public medium is just telling your secrets to people. but i have decided that I want to at least try and here I am.
I will turn the 18 wannabe human who knows everything in me. And here l’ll put, Life is not about speed but direction. I said it already — that it’s okay to not run. but here i wanted you to know that everything shouldnt be on its fast pace. You don’t need to be caught up with everything. This is your life. you can just walk, you can run, jump — anything. Running can exhaust you, what’s important is you are in a right route, everything is okay. You’ll never know, walking is like building a routine, for something long term. after all its not about speed but direction. This is also something that I’ve learn from Namjoon.
It’s okay to cut ties with people that was once had shared a common thing with you. Kinda learn it the hard way. it is hard but i am the type who cannot take the toxicity. that I would never wanted to experience that thing. and so it’s okay. even with people so close to you. don’t feel guilty.
You do not have to know everything at 18. well reaching the age 18, seemingly feels like you need to know things at once, that you need to figure out everything at all, you need to have a say to everything that is going on. well mind them, there is someone like I do who didn’t know everything at all. and that is okay. honestly, i just notice to myself that when i’m at my 17th year i tend to blabber and prove myself but when i reach 18 i just tend to say i don’t know most of the time, and i think that’s okay.
I’m 18 and i’m still young. i think i have put the word ‘‘terrifying’’ quite many times. and honestly because that’s what i feel most of the time. with this season or chapter in my life. But i think this quote ‘‘I’m 18 and i’m still young’’ is a reminder for me that i’m still young. and I am capable of learning and growing. That fear is inevitable but that is what makes us human. to be able to feel. that I shouldn’t worry because there is so much more to life and little did i know that those ones that I am worried or in fear about is something i passed on without actually realizing it.
Turning 18 is a beautiful one to me and i passed that. And there is more at 19.
Maybe i still have things that have learned but is not enough to be here, or maybe i forgot some of them, but what are listed here are things that i will surely bring for the very next chapters or seasons in my life.
I decided to post this one because I wanted to document this part. and also for the sake of reorganizing my thoughts and trying. and actually doing what I love to do. Actually I have no idea how will be the turning out of this space. But I am very much willing to learn and speak my mind, heart and soul in here.
So, before i end, here are the books that I’ve read for the past month
almond by won-pyung sohn
it end’s with us by colleen hoover
the summer i turned pretty by jenny han
it’s not summer without you by jenny than
we’ll always have summer by jenny han
And the songs that I am into this past month
funeral by phoebe bridgers
this love by taylor swift
proof album by BTS
and this playlist
Thank you for reading, this are just words that i just put in here. so please bare with me, and my words. I am still learning. but one thing is i put my heart in it. anyways, i hope you are doing well, i hope you love life as how you love your favorite song.
I'll get back to you soon,
avie <3